Friday, August 30, 2013


I've always been conscientious of what goes in my body. As a kid I didn't eat butter, mayo, salad dressing or sauce. Then I discovered how GOOD they taste on food. I was also Super active in my early 20's. Walking 10 miles to my dad's office downtown and then home. No big whoop. Car outta gas? I'll walk to the store. Damn, we missed the buss, lets walk home. It didn't matter as much them because I was also a starving college artist. The few calories I managed to eat was FAR outweighed by how many hours I was on my feet. My once a month Starbucks didn't even make a dent in my intake.
Cue Marriage.
Holy Shit I can make real food.
I hadn't needed to balance and watch my intake in so long. I forgot how. Oh, she was still in there.

But she was quiet. To quiet. In the first couple years of Marriage we traveled. A LOT. And the girl who ate fast food maybe two or three times a year suddenly ate it two or three times a WEEK. I also went through some serious Homesickness and developed constant migraines. Migraines led to laying in bed with the blinds closed and the lights off for days. I gained weight. Then more weight. I finally started noticing what I was putting into my body. I worked out a little... but not enough. The gym on base was Intimidating! I was scared, young and unsure of myself for the first time in a very very long time.
When we moved up here to Illinois we made a HUGE change, but there were months where I still ate very little, and most of it processed. Buying fruits and veggies was Expensive, and they went bad faster than we could eat them.
Finally After almost Four years of Marriage, I've gained 50 Pounds. Far more than the "freshman 15" I weigh in at 160 now.
Guys that's really hard to type. Even though I knew I was underweight when we married I liked how I LOOKED. It wasn't healthy but I thought I was happy. It has been a Constant inner battle to listen to that voice inside of me. Telling me to be Healthy and Happy.  Occasionally I still shut her up with oreos. But usually its only a couple. Not the whole damn thing in two days.
Monday we also joined a gym. We also paid in advance, so I don't feel like I'm wasting money every month that could have been spent elsewhere. Because it's already paid for. For a year. I'm not stressed about it. And while I'm uncomfortable on a treadmill I'm happy in this gym. It's a "Judgement free zone". Its open 24 hours, so I can go after I get off work. Or choose a time when the least amount of people will be there to watch me. I'm SUPER awkward on the treadmill.

Also, now that we have a few things paid off and we're both making a bit more, we have more money for actual FOOD. There still a few frozen items in the freezer, a pizza for emergencies, a thing of fish sticks. But they are moderately healthy. There's more real food than processed crap. Frozen berries and chicken in freezer bags waiting for the grill. I'm happy with where I am going.

We still eat out sometimes, though nowhere near as often. Since we are saving money. I'm not afraid to eat a burger or a steak. Though I order water now, instead of several glasses of soda. The other night at the gym, I realized I was Happy. Actually happy to be running awkwardly on a treadmill in a gym. Because every time I looked down to get my bearings I saw No Critics in big bold yellow letters.

Guys, I have a long road a head of me. I've buried the girl who could clean 125 easy, who could warm up with what some guys maxed at. Who didn't balk at walking 12 miles for fun, to chat with a friend. She's been buried under cookies, guilt and marketing ploys. But she's fighting. She'll be back. Healthier. Better. Stronger. Most of all, Happier.

Now I just have to not fall off...
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